This is your brain on drugs

Last week’s post on all things edible and ovoid brought forth a slew of creativity from the ether. I recommend you experience the entire comment thread in all it’s mouth-watering glory; here are a few of my favorites.

From Ben.H of Boring Like a Drill fame:

Eggs Antheil: Place a pistol in clear sight on the kitchen counter. Cook eggs using fifteen pressure cookers, while switching on every fan, electric mixer, garbage disposal, blender, and smoke alarm. When done, throw out the lot and cook another set of eggs in a traditional manner, as your mother used to make. Serve with a toast to Hedy Lamarr. Do not switch off your cellphone.

(This one actually got my lovely wife curious enough to want to hear some Antheil.)

From the intensely serene Seth Gordon:

Eggs Cardew: Truffles are for the elitists! I will eat my eggs with a simple accompaniment of fermented beans and fish heads, as Chairman Mao did.

Be sure to also check out Seth’s updated Eggs Partch recipe, which is a thing of beauty.

Galen Brown leaves us wanting more:

Eggs Cage: Heat up your frying pan. Turn it off. Think about what not eating eggs tastes like.

Although, as Mark Meyer cautions, best to avoid cage-free eggs.

Speaking of Cage, Colin Holter whips up an imaginary landscape:

Eggs Champaign-Urbana: Devise an elaborate plan for cooking eggs in a manner that will produce mildly piquant results. (Consider Herbert Brun’s ideas on language.) When finished, name your eggs with an adjective followed by a singular common noun.

In honor of UIUC, a suggested title: Flat Cornfield.

The mysterious Susanna cooks for a crowd:

Eggs Mahler: Obtain 432 eggs. Claim you have a thousand. Cook as many of the eggs as time permits. Invite people over. When they’ve had enough eggs, give them some more eggs. This really only needs to be done about once every twelve years.

Samuel Vriezen keeps it simple:

Eggs Messaien: Brood.

And from the Hardest-Working Supposedly-On-Hiatus Man in Show Business, Alex Ross:

Eggs Wuorinen: Music is much more complicated than eggs. It is a typical travesty of the “I Pod” generation to talk about serious music of a problematical character in relation to eggs. Moreover, in the wake of twelve-note composition, eggs have become superfluous. But, if eggs must be made, scramble them vigorously for nineteen minutes.

Finally, from the palate of Daniel Wolf, an actual recipe. I’ll name it appropriately:

Eggs Wolf: Take one ostrich, one duck, and one quail egg. Store them refrigerated, tip downward, for at least 24 hours (to insure that the yolks are centered). Hard boil the eggs, each at the appropriate time length, scare with cold water and peel and slice in half lengthways immediately to avoid greying. Remove yolks and mash them until smooth with a bit of mayonnaise, toasted and ground spices (fenugreek, cayenne, mustard, cumin, coriander), one finely chopped small dill pickle and salt to taste. Now place the the quail egg white within the duck egg white, and that within the ostrich egg white, with a healthy layer of the yolk mixture between the white layers and in the quail egg white. Garnish with sweet paprika powder and fresh fenugreek and coriander leaves.

Again, read ’em all if you haven’t: they’re all good. Thanks also to Alistair, Mike, Marc, and Zachary, who, like Susanna, are but names—if any of you have a web presence you’d like me to link to, e-mail me and I’ll update the post. (And, from Matt Van Brink, don’t miss the Steakhausen compendium of puns.)

One comment

  1. Eggs Puccini:
    Ingredients (serves 2):
    4 eggs
    1 tblsp. shredded basil
    1/2 cup confectioners sugar
    1 tsp. Olive Oil
    1/4 c high quality Italian cheese (i.e. Parmesan or Peccorino Romano), for garnish
    Salt & Pepper to taste
    1 onion, finely chopped

    Beat together the eggs, basil, and sugar until completely blended. Fry in olive oil over medium heat, gradually adding the parmesan to taste. Take care to stop while the eggs are still pretty gooey. Add cheese, salt, and pepper, and serve. While eating, hold the raw onion up to your nose to stimulate emotional response.

    Eggs Verdi
    Prepare Eggs Puccini as above, but omit the sugar.

    Eggs Lloyd-Webber
    Prepare Eggs Puccini as above, but omit the eggs.

    Eggs Pärt
    Cook one egg over a wood fire on an ungreased wrought-iron griddle.
    Set aside and allow to cool slightly.
    Take a single bite of the egg. Chew 50-100 times before swallowing.
    When you can no longer remember what it tasted like, you may take another bite of the egg.

    Eggs Branca
    1: Assemble a large group of people to fry 100 eggs on 100 hotplates. (Note: it is not necessary for these sous-chefs to know how to follow a recipe. Also, they won’t be paid.)
    2: Be largely ignored by the culinary establishment.
    3: Repeat as necessary, with larger numbers of hotplates.

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